Adelaide

This was bad.

This was really, really bad.

I was barely a year into my college program. My life was just starting to become normal again. I’d gotten married five months ago. For the first time in years, I felt like I was on top of things.

And now, this.

I paced around the bathroom, one hand on my lower back and the other slapped across my forehead. I couldn’t look behind me at the little plastic stick that sat on the quartz countertop, mocking me. Had three minutes ever felt so long?

I wasn’t sure when I’d started suspecting. Maybe it was when my dad had made me try a new cake batter and I gagged at the taste of chocolate. Maybe it was when I was able to smell the milk Louis had spilled in my kitchen before he even had the time to tell me. Or maybe it was when Matt offered to give me a massage after our shower and I fell asleep before he got the chance to come to bed.

Oh God. Matt would freak out.

It wasn’t like it was coming completely out of the blue, though. I’d stopped taking the pill about six months ago after I started having frequent headaches all of a sudden. The hormones weren’t sitting well with me any longer, and sure, condoms weren’t the safest method of protection, but it would have to work.

And it did work for a while. We were diligent. Matt complained from time to time, but we did what we had to do.

Until four months ago, when we went on our honeymoon. We’d had to wait a few months after our wedding to leave because Matt wanted to organize a long trip somewhere secret, and we had to wait to find the perfect timing between my school and his job. And eventually, we did.

Matt’s first stop on the trip was Paris. Of course it was. When we got out of the metro station and stepped foot on the old paved streets for the first time, history literally surrounding us, I automatically started crying. I’d never seen anything so beautiful. Matt just smiled and held me in his arms until I got over the swell of emotions in my chest.

“She was right,” I’d said as I continued to take in my surroundings. We’d gotten out at the metro station right outside the Louvres, the museum larger than life beside me. “This is the most romantic place I’ve ever seen.”

“I know,” Matt said, leaning his chin over my head. He didn’t need to ask who I was talking about. “It’s something else.”

All of a sudden, I’d pulled back and lightly punched his arm.

“Ow!” he shouted, half-laughing.  “What was that for?”
“All the times you were in Paris for work, this was outside your hotel room and you decided to stay in instead?” Was he stupid or what?

Matt’s surprised expression slowly morphed into a smirk. “If I stayed in, then I had an excuse to talk to you on the phone.”

I pursed my lips. “Then I’m not calling you again when you’re away. Not if that’s what you’re missing.” It would be hard, but I couldn’t imagine being in a city like this one and staying inside a shabby hotel room instead.

Smile never wavering, Matt took a step forward and wrapped his large hands around the sides of my neck, thumbs grazing my jaw. “I don’t think that’s your decision to make, Mrs. Philips.” After pressing a soft kiss on my cheek, he added, “I’d choose you over Paris any time.”

And I was done for. How could I hold my foot down when he said things like this?

“You’re a real sweet talker, huh?”

“The best,” he said before kissing me on the lips this time, successfully stealing all the air out of my lungs.

When we finally broke apart, we were both flushed and panting, and an old woman dressed much more fashionably than I ever could whistled at us while walking past. I chuckled, hiding my face in Matt’s wool coat.

We spent the rest of that day exploring the Jardins du Luxembourg and the Champ de Mars and the Notre-Dame cathedral. We ate pains au chocolat and drank cafés au lait and got wine drunk at dinner around the best beef tartare I’d ever eaten. I don’t think I’d ever felt this elated before.

And finally, when we got to the hotel room Matt had booked for us, my husband didn’t waste any time before getting me undressed and making sure I knew just how much he loved me. I didn’t think this day could get better, but it somehow did. My mind was lost between his kisses and the feel of his hands everywhere and the view of the sparkling Eiffel tower from our window.

“I can’t believe I get to do this for the rest of my life,” Matt said between two flicks of his tongue, and the only thing I was able to do in return was whimper.

So let me tell you that when the sexiest man you’ve ever seen gets up from his knees in front of you and throws you on a plush Parisian bed, the last thing you have in mind is protection.

Yeah, that may have been a mistake.

Shaking my head, I brought my thoughts back to Maine and to the answer waiting for me on the counter. Time was up.

Come on, Addy, get to it.

With one sharp inhale, I spun on my heels and looked at the test.

All my suspicions were confirmed in the blink of an eye.

And that’s when panic really took over me.

We were not ready for this. I was still in school. Matthias was often away from the house for work. Even if my dad was much better now, I still spent a few nights a week going to his place to help him handle everything with Louis.

Matt and I had discussed kids before getting married, obviously. We’d both said we wanted some eventually—the last word being the most important one in this sentence.

And yet, there was one emotion growing inside my chest that was even more intense than the panic, and the fear, and the worry. I looked down at my flat belly and felt my eyes water. I had known about this pregnancy for all of a single minute, but the love I felt in this moment was overwhelming.

This wasn’t the right moment. It wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t planned. Still, I knew I would love this baby with every cell in my body.

Now I just had to hope Matt would see it the same way.

 

#

 

“Some people shouldn’t be allowed to drive.”

Matt’s voice came from the front door right as he closed it behind him.

“I was following this teenager who was clearly texting and was being a fucking danger to society.” He hung his coat and started walking toward the kitchen, where I was sitting, hands only faintly trembling. “I swear, if I catch Louis doing that one day, him and I will have a serious talk.”

His eyes lifted to me just then, and it was as if his shoulders became lighter all of a sudden. The scowl on his face disappeared and was replaced by a soft smile. “Hi.”

“Hi,” I answered.

I tried to smile back at him, but I don’t think it was convincing enough because he automatically said, “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head—I didn’t need to bring this up right this second. “Nothing, I’m—”

“And don’t tell me you’re fine because I know you and you’re not fine,” he deadpanned.

I exhaled shakily, the calm expression I was fighting hard to keep on slowly melting away.

Matt’s brows furrowed as he closed the distance between us. “Addy, sweetheart, what’s going on?” His knuckles brushed my cheekbone, giving me some much-needed comfort. This would be okay. Even if he wasn’t happy about it, I knew we’d be okay.

“You’re worrying me now,” he said.

“No, don’t be worried.”

Clearly, my words didn’t mean much because his concerned expression didn’t go anywhere.

God, I really was a coward today.

“I… We…”

He continued staring at me with round eyes, and I gave up. There was no way I could announce this the way I wanted, and if we kept waiting for me to find the right words, we’d be here all day. So instead, I grabbed the plastic test from the back pocket of my jeans and put it on the kitchen counter.

I watched Matt’s reaction in slow motion. The trail of his eyes from my face to my hand to the counter. The narrowing of his gaze as he studied what I’d pulled out of my pocket. The loosening of his jaw as he spotted the two pink lines. The shock that overwhelmed his face. The slow lift of his hand toward the test.

After an interminable moment, he looked back with a blank face. In a too-calm voice, he asked, “Are you serious?”

Oh God. This was even worse than I’d thought. He looked like he was in shock.

That’s when the words finally came out of me.

“I know it’s unexpected and we hadn’t talked about it again after the wedding but I’ve thought a lot about it today and I think this is a good thing. I could take a year off and then return to school, and then there are daycares or nannies or other resources we could look into. And I know you work a lot and that might affect your schedule but I’ll do everything to—”

“Addy,” Matt interrupted, putting his hands on my shoulders. “Stop. Why are you telling me all that?”

Breathless, I blinked and said, “Because I want you to be happy about this.”

“Happy? You think you need to convince me to be happy?” He shook his head, and for the first time since he saw the test, I noticed emotions—so many emotions—fill his eyes. “How could I not be happy about it?”

I only stared.

“Addy, you’re giving me a family.” His lips started quivering and he swallowed hard before adding, “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my life.”

A thousand-pound weight was removed from my shoulders. Throat tight with emotion, I said, “Really?”

“Yes, really. Of course.” Then, without giving me any warning, he leaned forward and picked me up, arms wrapped tight around my body as he twirled me around. I started laughing, although I think tears might’ve been involved too. I was too overwhelmed to even notice what I was doing or thinking. The only thing I knew was that I felt so content I could die. His laughter soon joined mine, deep and loud and oh so wonderful. Still the most beautiful sound I could ever listen to.

After a few spins, he stopped and pulled away to say, “This is really real? We’re going to be parents?”

I nodded, smiling so wide it hurt.

“Louis will be an uncle. He’s going to freak out,” he said, only making me smile wider.

“He really will.”

Matt smirked, eyes twinkling as he looked at me for a long moment before picking me up and spinning me around again. I shrieked loudly, face buried in his neck.

When we went to bed that night, we were still smiling.

 

#

 

Matthias

“Hi.”

It still felt weird, to talk to her and not get an answer. I’d probably never get used to it.

I went to visit her grave often. Sometimes, after a long day at work, I’d stop by and just stand there, breathing the air and feeling a little closer to her for a few minutes. Some other times, Addy and I would go and have a picnic next to her grave. Might have been considered weird, but it didn’t matter to either of us.

“I don’t know how this works,” I said out loud, hands in my pockets as I stood straight. “I’m not even sure you can hear me right now, and I probably look like a dumbass talking alone, but…” I cleared my throat, voice coming out raw. “I guess I needed to talk to you.”

I waited for a moment, again remembering that she’d never answer me. My shoulders were tight, and I didn’t know why.

Come on, man. Grow some balls.

Inhaling sharply, I dug into the inner pocket of my coat and grabbed the envelope containing the letter I’d written last night after Addy went to bed, giddy from Louis’ and her dad’s excitement. I’d never written an actual letter before, but for the first time in my life, I felt the need to.

Slowly, I leaned down and placed the letter in front of my mother’s grave. Then, I sat down, grass wet and cold under my pants. If I was to look dumb, might as well make myself at ease.

My fingers traced the edges of the envelope in front of me as I said, “I’m not quite sure why I wrote it.” The corners of my lips twitched up. “I guess you deserved one after all the ones you wrote me.”

Only birds and the faint crash of the waves down the street answered me.

“I have no idea if you already know this, but… I’m going to be a father.” It still sounded strange, especially said out loud. I knew it would happen someday, but never so fast. “Somehow, I can see how you would react if you were here.” I chuckled faintly. “You’d probably be bouncing off the walls. You’d bring Addy shopping for baby shoes or some shit like that, and you wouldn’t stop smiling and shrieking.” My last word ended on a sigh.

“And I probably would’ve gone to you with my concerns because I wouldn’t want my wife to worry. But now you’re not here, and so I kind of wrote my thoughts down.” I picked the letter in my hands and examined it. “Which I now realize makes absolutely no sense because there’s no way you can read my words, but whatever. I guess I’ll just summarize it for you.”

I passed a hand through my hair, which definitely needed to be cut. Addy liked it longer, so I always tolerated it like that for her. To be honest, she could tell me to shave it off completely and I’d do it if I knew it would bring a smile to her face. I was completely whipped, and I had no shame in admitting it—at least not to myself.

“I have no idea how to be a father.” I swallowed. It was probably like that for everyone, but this was different. I’d never had a dad. I’d had a mom who’d done everything for me, but truly, I had no idea what being a dad entailed. “I know you’d probably say that I’ll be amazing, or that I’ll do like everyone and learn along the way, but I don’t want that. I want to be ready. I don’t want to make mistakes. I don’t ever want my son or daughter to wish they could have someone else as a parent. I want them to always feel loved, and appreciated, and happy. And I don’t have a fucking clue how to make sure of that.”

God, this felt good, to get it all out.

“I wish you’d given me advice on being a parent in your letters too. Because now…” My hands balled into fists by my side as I breathed deeply. “Because now, you’re not there, and I don’t have a parent to ask.”

I sniffled once, looking away for a second. I rarely got emotional like that anymore. In the past two years, I’d become able to think of Helen and only smile. Addy and I could now talk about her and not feel like crying. But this was different. This was something I knew she would’ve wanted so very much to share with me.

“Anyway, all this to say I’m scared as hell that I’ll end up being a shit dad and that Addy will wonder what in the world she’s doing with me.” Because I had no doubt that she was going to be the best mom the world had ever known. Anyone who had seen her with Louis or Josh or even with me knew that. She was gentle, and kind, and smart, and loving, and comforting, and basically everything you’d want in a mother.

“And yet,” I told Helen, a light smile making its way to my lips, “even with all this worry, I’m still the happiest fucking man on earth. I can’t believe this is my life. I can’t believe I’ll get to meet someone who is half me and half Addy and to watch them grow into their own person. And most of all, I can’t believe I get to do this with her.”
“You must be kidding me,” a voice I knew all too well said behind me.

In a breath, I turned around, mouth slightly agape as I caught my wife standing in the graveyard, curls whipping around her head, a folded sheet of paper in one of her hands. Her lips were curved into a smile.

“You didn’t…” I started.

“Write her a letter? Damn right I did,” Addy said before walking forward and taking a seat next to me. Her hazel eyes roamed over me, probably catching a thousand emotions written on my face. “Hi,” she said, then dusted a kiss to my cheek, the smell of her shampoo filling my nose. I relaxed.

“Hey,” I said.

“So, what did you write her?”

I frowned. “That’s personal.”

She pulled back, raising an eyebrow. “I wash your underwear every day, Grumpy. I don’t think you and I can do personal anymore.”

I snickered. She was right. Besides, she did know everything about me. I never kept anything from her. The moment we got together years ago, we’d agreed to always be honest with each other. And honestly, I was not opposed to her knowing what was on my mind at the moment. Maybe sharing my concerns with her could be beneficial in the long run.

But I wasn’t about to repeat everything I’d just said. Not with the way I was barely able to get the words out the first time. Before I could change my mind, I leaned forward to grab my letter, then handed it to her.

I got up and started walking around the moss-covered graveyard the moment she started reading. There was no way I could face her as she read some of my deepest, most secret thoughts.

It probably only took her a few minutes to read the letter, but it felt like hours.

“Matt,” Addy finally said, her voice soft and raw, making me turn to her. Tears were brimming in her eyes as she got up and met me where I stood. She wrapped her arms around my neck. “That was beautiful. Really. And I can’t believe you’d even doubt for a second that you’ll be a great dad.”

My jaw tightened. She couldn’t possibly know that.

“I’m serious,” she said as if reading my thoughts. “You’ll be amazing. And what we don’t know, well, we’ll figure it out together.”

I felt childish needing all this comforting. Still, I couldn’t help but whisper, “Promise?”

She grinned, the sight lighting up the whole world. “Promise.”

Then she kissed all the rest of my worries away.

When we broke apart, I said, “Now it’s my turn to read yours.”

She made an appalled sound. “No way! That thing is private.”

A sound that was half scoff, half laugh came out of my mouth. “You can’t be serious.”

“Of course I am.”

“I’ll read that letter whether you like it or not.”
She smirked. “Good luck with that.”

And in an instant, she was off, running away from me while laughing like a little kid.

Fuck, I loved that woman.

I started chasing her, and while Addy gave it her all, my legs were twice the size as hers, so she didn’t stand a chance. I almost caught her a few times, making her shriek before she escaped from my grasp. I joined her in laughter, forgetting all about my worries. And when I reached her last, she couldn’t escape.

“Gotcha,” I said in her hair, arms tight around her shoulders, chest rising and falling fast against her back.

She spun in my arms, glowing in the mid-morning light as she faked a pout, still breathing rapidly. “That wasn’t fair. I want a rematch.”

I pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose. “In your dreams.”

She continued gazing up at me, her eyes wide and sparkling, and I was reminded once again of just how lucky I was. This was real. This was ours.

“I love you,” I said like it was the most natural thing in the world because, really, it was.

“I love you too,” she answered, not a hint of doubt in her voice.

And suddenly, I knew that as long as she loved me, everything would be okay.

I wrapped my arms tighter around her as she buried her face in my neck. My hands rubbed her back until I felt a raised shape in the pocket of her jeans.

Before she could react, her letter was in my hand and I’d moved away from her.

She glared at me. “You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, Addy, you know I would.”

And then I was the one running away, her footsteps and laughter resonating behind me.

As I ran, laughing and feeling my wife’s love all around me, a thought crossed my mind: I could dream of being happier, but really, such a thing couldn’t exist.

 

#

 

Adelaide

Before leaving that morning, I set down the baby blue envelope, propped perfectly against her headstone, knowing somehow that she’d gotten the message.

 

Helen,

Thank you.

Love, Addy